Monday, July 12, 2010

The Boyfriend & I Saw Eclipse So You Don't Have To

The Boyfriend and I went old school over the weekend and took in a drive-in movie in West Chicago. There, we were treated to The Twilight Saga: Eclipse & Knight and Day. Two movies for $9? Yes, please! While Knight and Day was unabashedly fun, wild, and well-cast, I'm going on record as saying Eclipse is by far and without question the worst movie I've ever seen.

And this is coming from someone who a) grew up watching stinko Blockbuster Video's straight-to-VHS gay selections and b) has seen High School Musical no less than five times. Suffice it to say, I'm unfortunately well-versed in poor cinema.

Is it bad that I thought the opening sequence was another trailer due to its choppy editing and poorly planned jump cuts? It only got better from there.

The pacing is a joke. Moments pass between characters' -and I use this term loosely- "dialogue" as if director David Slade is waiting for toddlers to yell at the screen, "Blue is hiding behind the blood-drenched mailbox!" You know, the cognitive pause for a child.

"Jacob, Edward, don't fight over me."
pause
pause

::Jacob loo
ks hurt::
pause
pause

::Edward looks smoosh-faced::
pause
pause

"He doesn't love you like I love you."


Did Pinter write this shit? Keep talking, please.
On a related topic, stop talking.

Seriously, stop talking. I'm not a big action sequence kinda guy, but the big war the entire movie leads up to is a good -I shit you not- 10 minutes long. The other hour-and-fifty godforsaken minutes are filled with a never ending angst-ridden love triangle, dopey voice over that makes Bladerunner sound Oscar worthy, and a ever-shirtless Taylor Lautner.

...one aspect I'm not complaining about...
...this happy trailed/amazing stomached picture of Taylor was this entry's only redeeming research point...

Finally, there is the the acting ... another term I use loosely. The "acting" in Eclipse is atrocious. Horrible. Dead. Embarrassing. Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson come off as they've never acted before in their lives. Sure, I know they have, but who let their nonchalant "who cares?" attitude make its way onto the screen? And then you have Peter Facinelli (in a laughable community theatre wig) and Jackson Rathbone who barely open their mouths to deliver whatever vampire drivel Melissa Rosenberg wrote for them. Seriously, I don't know if Ms. Rosenberg or Stephanie Meyer is to blame, but apart from a cast-full of good looking badactors, Eclipse has the worst main-stream script filmed in the past ten years.

What makes Eclipse so utterly and offensively awful is the fact it's trying to be a good movie. It thinks it's a good movie. And by the looks of its staggering $237 million global intake in only 12 days, Eclipse's target audience of emo tweeners think it's a good movie too.

1 comment:

Vera said...

I saw ten minutes of the first Twilight movie and knew that nothing, not even the amazing physique of Mr. Lautner, was ever going to entice me to try that shit again. Thanks for taking the bullet.