Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Seriously Not a Gay Entry, I Swear It

Though gay, I have an aversion towards Dicks & Wieners.

Dicks -
Seriously, why do you have to be a Dick? Chill the eff out, you beer-infused chatterbox. Not everyone's a Dick (nor does everyone have a dick), but major offenders tend to also be labeled "Bro," "Dude," & "Rich White Boy." You can spot a Dick by correctly identifying his muscle-revealing tee, over-processed physical features, bordering-on-the-racist and/or sexist comments, & poorly-timed jokes. If confronted by a Dick, turn & run in the other direction to avoid any asinine conversations re: "banging one's girlfriend," "manscaping one's pubes," or this season's leader board standings of Dick's sport of choice.

Dicks of note include Stiffler from American Pie, Ebenezer Scrooge from A Christmas Carol, James Caan in 1972 (not pictured in 1972), & Andy.

Wieners -
Seriously, why do you have to be a Wiener? Grow a pair, you virgin dweeb. Not everyone's a Wiener (nor does everyone have a wiener), but the major offenders tend to also be labeled "Painfully Awkward," "Indecisive," or "Upper East Siders." You can spot a Wiener by correctly identifying his ill-fitting hand-me-downs, khaki slacks, bumbling hand/eye coordination, & pushy Jewish wife/girlfriend. If confronted by a Wiener, there is no immediate threat to turn & run in the other direction because he'll undoubtedly have beaten you to the flee. If conversations regarding "finances," "video games," or "glasses" should arise, simply fashion some chest hair & show him who's boss. Strong bouts of assertion are unnecessary.

Wieners of note include (a rare female appearance) Millie from Freaks and Geeks, Milhouse Van Houten from The Simpsons, Woody Allen 1935-present, &, with a slight spelling variation, Marc.


seanisbored said...

Millie was cool but no one else knew it!

She is my hero.

William said...

No way, man. Her character shift came waaaaay too late in the series for it to be believable. Still a big ol' Wiener in my book.