Sunday, December 16, 2007

Dear M.P.G.E.Bf

Oh my god, Michelle's Possibly Gay Ex-Boyfriend.
Today was almost too much to handle.

We all have many versions of ourselves.
One is the actual version: the Real Deal.
Whether accurate or not, the millions of other representaions are the Mental Versions each & every other person perceives us to be.
And my Mental Version of you, Michelle's Possibly Gay Ex-Boyfriend, isn't all too exciting...or up-to-date...or clever...or straight.

Did you read my
open letter to Mallory last week, M.P.G.E.Bf? If so, you'd know of the disdain towards my unhappily married 30-something part-time co-worker.

Today's a day I think you'd enjoy. Not enjoy in the sense of the Real Deal actually enjoying what's happening, but more in the sense of my Mental Version of you enjoying the annoying occurrences surrounding the work place.

And why? Her Real Deal & my Mental Version of you are the same exact person.

Here is a truncated list of the outdated pop culture references & asinine old people phrases she shared with the office. Phrases & references you (both Real & Mental) probably know & use.

"WWDJ? Really, what would he do in this situation?"
Height of Popularity: 1996

"Just dial down the middle & call me collect!"
Height of Popularity: 1993

Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
Height of Popularity: 1982

"Is it time for lunch yet? I'm 'huuungry like the wooooolf!'"
Height of Popularity: 1982

"You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"
Height of Popularity: 2001

"Did you know Joanie loves Chachi? They're so in love."
Height of Popularity: 1982

Upon researching this entry, I stumbled upon a strange coincidence which leads me to my final query for my Mental You & my unhappily married 30-something part-time co-worker: are you, too, trapped in '82?



Michelle said...


- Does she like adding an "ie" to the end of words to make them more "cutesy"? (ex: "Oh, the total is $30? Let me just write a little checkie."
"I need coffee, wanna go to Starbuckies?")

- Does she cry at...inappropriate moments?

- Does she use the phrase "the ole stomping grounds"?

- When you call her a "square," does she understand what this means?

- When she thinks someone is trying to fool her, does she say, "I was born at night, but not LAST night"?

- Does she enjoy a good dick up the ass?

...If so, they really MIGHT be the same person.

William said...

-No to the "ie"s.

-No to the crying.

-Yes to "the ole stomping grounds."

-I called her an alien for having freakishly strong vision. Does that count?

-No one should ever say that phrase again, for fear of death.

-No, she's unhappily married.